Perspectives on Time

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to it, but I finally got around to writing the second post regarding the Afterword to Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Most likely it will end up being less about the book than I had originally intended, but regardless, let's get right down to it:

This book has a lot to say about Ancient Greek perspectives and theis meaning
but there is one perspective it misses. That is their view of time. They saw the
future as something that came upon them from behind their backs with the past
receding away before their eyes.

When you think about it, that's a more
accurate metaphor than our present one. Who really can face the future?
All you can do is project from the past, even when the past shows that such
projections are often wrong. And who really can forget the past? What else is
there to know?

I've found myself spending quite a bit of time looking back at my past, essentially with the hope for taking a toll on how I've gotten to where I am and see if I can project where it may all lead. The truth is that it's a fairly pointless pursuit, attempting to forecast or predict where you're likely to find yourself in 5 days much less 5 years.

So instead of trying to forecast, I've ended up considering who I am currently. This is where the fun starts. The truth is I realize that I've been a bit depressed. It's hard to pinpoint when exactly it started, but I'm leaning toward the end of my senior year (about a year and a half ago). I've certainly had some ups and downs and quite a few drastic life changes in that time, and have had plenty to think about. The sad truth, which is why I find myself depressed, is that in my estimation I've taken a few giant steps backward in my progression in that year and a half time frame. I have come to believe that I was a better person then than I am currently, and I must admit I find that fact extremely frustrating.

Before I go any farther into this discussion let me say that I don't in any way mean to say that I'm unhappy, or at all dissatisfied with where I am or what I've done to get here. I'm having a great time, really loving the people that I've had the opportunity to get to know and befriend, and for the first time in my life, find myself pursuing an career path that I'm really excited about and that I think is a perfect opportunity for me to link some of the extremely stratified areas of my life into something productive. I think I'm really ready to make a run here, but the past few years have been leading up to all this and that's why I've been doing all the introspection.

So here we are. I'm in a good place, surrounded by good people, enjoying what I'm doing, and really feeling that I'm "in my element" (for lack of a better, less cliche term). So why do I say I'm depressed? Well the answer is really quite simple: in spite of how well I seem to be doing, I really think I could be doing much better, mainly in the way I carry myself as a person.

I've somehow managed to get away from who I am as a person (or more accurately, who I hope to be, since as Bill Parcells puts it "what you are is what you are"). In trying to recall myself 2 years ago, I remember a very different person from the one I see in the mirror now. I seem to recall someone full of life, always positive. Someone who always saw the best in people, and tried to bring that out. Someone who could look his friends in the eye and say "I love you" without hesitation or restraint. Most importantly, I remember being a person who was focused on personal growth and who really brought something positive to his community (in many senses of the word community)--someone who had a whole lot of faith in humanity and gave a lot of trust and respect to the people in his life.

Now I'm a cynic. I've become very negative towards other people, and often find myself frustrated by how "stupid" other people can be. I've become far more sarcastic and biting than I've ever been before. Sometimes now I can't even tell when I'm joking and when I'm not. Instead of seeing the good that people bring to the table, I more and more often find myself fixated on the bad or the negative that I see. Instead of trying to improve myself and the people around me, I'm more likely to make a sarcastic remark and move on.

I've also become arrogant and conceited. I fear that I'm far too proud for my own good; that my pride has become a stumbling block that is hindering my growth. (How can someone who knows everything have anything left to learn?) I'm become stubborn and set in my ways. I'm more confrontational than I used to be.

So that's why I say I'm depressed. I feel that I've really let myself down, not to mention the people who care about me and/or are forced to deal with me on a regular basis. I have to admit, that what really scares me is that, in spite of who I have allowed myself to become, I've been very "successful" to apply the materialistic understanding of the word. Life has been good, and many of the projects and ventures I've taken on have achieved their goals.

So anyway, this entry should really serve as an apology.

I want to apologize to the people who have been dealing with me as I've been going through this transformation over the past few years. I count myself extremely blessed that the vast majority of the people who have taken me into their lives recently haven't turned away, even in the moments when I've likely deserved it. If these past few years can really be deemed "successful" it's likely because of the support that I've received from all of you.

I make no excuses for the way I've handled myself recently. I can promise that I'm going to make a concerted effort to turn a corner, and be more like I remember myself being. Hopefully you'll see a new, more open, more positive, and more accepting Craig than the version of me that you've gotten to know.

Again, I'm sorry for what I've become in so many areas of my life. I've in large part lost sight of many of the Jesuit ideals that had helped me become someone who I was really and truly proud and happy to be, because of who I was, and not what I had accomplished. There is something to be said for the process of discernment. Hopefully I don't lose sight of it from here on out.

Anyone who's gotten here, thanks for reading along, and I'm sorry if my words or actions of the past few years have in anyway made you feel small, inadequate, or simply not affirmed in the way that you deserve. I owe so much to my friends, I'm sorry to those who I've let down. You will see a new Craig in the coming weeks, months, and years.